#i believe in being transparent especially if you're part of a team of people who help others with mental health issues

[savage-rhi]

.Magenta.

[bucketbueckers]

I'D RATHER PRETEND

CHAPTER FOUR

tags: @angryflowerwitch @avvwritesstufff @melpthatsme @rebecca-woso @bueckersg1rl @l0verl4ne @clouded-whispers @dolliest-thena @katemartinlvr @numberonepartyanth3m @glamourdaya @pbbucks @unadulteratedcyclepaper @paiges-1vur wc: 9.7k notes: mama a MASTERLIST behind you 💜 lots of filler content but it's kinda pivotal ig 😛 hope you're all enjoying, reading all of your comments makes my day 🫶

‘South Carolina Basketball Star Apologizes for Destruction Tour'

After a month of out of control behavior, Tess Kennedy has officially put an end to her destruction tour. In a heartfelt message on her socials, Kennedy apologizes to her team, coaches and staff, and basketball fans and she opens up about how her ACL injury “flipped [her] world upside down.”

“My injury forced me to consider a future where I could not play basketball,” Kennedy writes. “I moved to the States at a young age and basketball was the one thing that made me feel at home here. Believing that I’d lost basketball made me feel like I’d lost the one place I belonged. My thoughts were, ‘if I can’t play, then what’s the point?’”

Many fans responded well to Kennedy’s apology, understanding the guard’s feeling of homelessness. Many others appreciate the candor. One commenter noted that athletes don’t tend to discuss the darker parts of the ACL injury, claiming that this transparency is paramount in making mental health resources more accessible and more normalized for athletes. There are others who are firm in their belief that Kennedy’s reaction was unacceptable. Supporters rallied in defense for Kennedy.

[IMAGE TRANSCRIPTION: USER THOMASBLINKY39: “GOOD ATTEMPT AT SAVING FACE. YOU OVERREACTED AND LET DOWN MANY, ESPECIALLY YOUNG GIRLS WHO LOOK UP TO YOU. TELL YOUR PR MANAGERS TO WRITE A BETTER APOLOGY NEXT TIME.” | USER TESSKENNEDYUPDATES: “IT’S THE SAME WITH YOU PEOPLE, ISN’T IT? A MAN IS ALLOWED TO REACT. A WOMAN CAN ONLY OVERREACT. DON’T PRETEND TO UNDERSTAND WHAT TESS IS GOING THROUGH. ALL YOUR COMMENT DOES IS SHOW THE YOUNG GIRLS YOU PRETEND TO CARE ABOUT THAT THEY ARE NOT ALLOWED TO FEEL AND FALL APART WHEN THEY’RE HURT. TESS SHOWS THEM THAT THEY CAN COME BACK EVEN STRONGER.” END TRANSCRIPTION.]

Reactions aside, one thing is for certain. Tess Kennedy is fully on the road to recovery and things are looking up for her.

“I’m connected with great physical therapists to rehab my knee and I am meeting with a psychologist to address my mental health and alcohol dependence,” Kennedy shares. “I am thankful for my friends, family, and support system. They were patient and loved me when I couldn’t love myself. This process hasn’t been pretty and it won’t look pretty for a while – but I owe it to myself to do what I need to so I can play the game I love again. This is a new opportunity to compete, only I’m against myself this time, and the one promise I can make is that I don’t lose to the same opponent twice.”

-Penelope Lancaster, Bleacher Report

MAY 9, 2023

Tess’s alarm wakes her on Tuesday morning. It takes her a moment to blink the sleep out of her eyes, still feeling the residual exhaustion from accidentally staying up later than she’d been accustomed to the past week. It’s only 8am, but she can hear Kamilla and Bree milling about in the kitchen, presumably making breakfast, quietly laughing over the gentle hum of whatever music they have playing. Tess hauls herself out of bed, stretching the ache out of her body and making her way into the bathroom.

Tess was never usually one for sleeping in. It was a hard habit to break after years of being up bright and early to go on morning runs and hit the gym. She fell off of that part in her routine after her surgery, and although she can’t exactly do much running or lifting currently, trying to repair her sleep schedule and other routines helps bring back some normalcy in her life. So far, it was working pretty well, though it’s been a struggle to figure out what to do with her time on the days she doesn’t have PT in the morning.

As she brushes her teeth in the bathroom, she’s distracted by thoughts of the upcoming 12 hour drive she’ll have to power through. It was her only choice – she wasn’t cleared for air travel just yet, so it’s an unfortunate fact of life she’ll just have to deal with. She’s less stoked about the long conversation she’ll have to have with her parents. Between PT and her other obligations, Tess hasn’t really had the time to truly sit down and give her parents the closure they deserved. They’d texted and called numerous times; Tess felt terrible for ignoring most of it, but she just couldn’t stomach their worry and disappointment. She couldn’t stomach her own shortcomings, either, nor the fact that she let it get so bad and that she iced out the people who have been in her corner since day one. The more she thinks about how she ghosted her own parents and let them watch her crash and burn through gossip articles and online videos, the more she feels like she’s going to throw up.

She can’t avoid it forever, though. Not when there’s nothing between her and her parents besides their car’s center console and 715 miles of open road.

Tess rinses her mouth out, splashing water on her face, reaching for her cleanser and moisturizer. When she begins applying her skincare, it’s the first good look she gets of her face all morning. She stares at herself for a long moment. The bags under her eyes are fading and her cheeks finally have their fullness back. She feels okay – she really does, which she thinks is a weird feeling to celebrate, but she’s celebrating it regardless, knowing she’s felt anything but okay in the past month. The one feature, however, that almost brings a smile to her face is the subtle shine in her eyes, the flash of life that has otherwise been missing.

She looks good. She feels good. That much is enough to improve her mood. She ventures out into the kitchen, grinning at Kamilla and Bree who look up with matching smiles as they work. Kamilla is flipping something in a pan at the stove while Bree chops veggies. “Hey, guys. Need a hand?”

Kamilla shakes her head, waving the spatula at her in a way that reminds Tess of her nonna. “Nuh-uh. Sit. You want an omelette?”

Knowing better than to test Kamilla, Tess slides into a stool, careful of her knee. “Yes please.”

Kamilla hums, cracking a few more eggs into a bowl, adding milk, and whisking them together. “We didn’t wake you or anything, right?” Bree asks, dumping some peppers and onions into Kamilla’s bowl. Bree lowers the volume on their music just slightly so she can hear Tess’s response.

“Nah,” she reassures her. “I had an alarm set. My parents should be here around noon.”

Kamilla turns on her heel suddenly. “Oh, speaking of, you got a package like, twenty minutes ago. It’s by the door. What the hell did you buy? It was heavy as shit.”

Tess can’t help the flush that covers her cheeks, though she doesn’t understand why Kamilla’s question makes her feel as though she’s been caught red-handed. “Uh, I might have bought a PS5,” she admits, and Bree snorts. Tess shoots her an indignant look. “My therapist says I need new hobbies. Turns out I had zero personality outside of basketball, so I’m trying to find out what else I like.”

“Besides a certain blonde hooper, of course,” Bree says, straight-faced and deadpan. Kamilla nudges her with her elbow and they both break out into giggles.

Tess narrows her eyes. “You guys aren’t funny. We are literally just friends.”

“Well, you said y’all was strictly business last week, so which is it?” Bree teases. “I saw those photos of y’all at the airport, too. You looked heartbroken –”

“Stop,” Tess whines, burying her face in her hands. “It’s just for the media.”

“Cheer up, T,” Kamilla says comfortingly. Tess looks up to watch as Kamilla dumps the omelette onto a plate, sliding it her way with a fork. “Bree’s just jealous. The football player she’s been plottin’ on for months has a girlfriend back home, so she’s sad.”

Bree gasps, shooting her a scandalized look. “First of all, I wasn’t plotting on Shawn. I was just testing the waters, and the waters say football players are not husband material. Second of all –” Bree redirects her attention to Tess, whose fork hovers halfway to her mouth as she stares at her teammate, “–Tess is the worst actress I’ve ever seen in my life. Remember that time we tried to plan a surprise party for Aliyah and Tess couldn’t stop grinning the entire day?”

“That’s different!” Tess interrupts, the egg falling off of her fork. She groans as she scoops it up again. “I can’t lie to my friends. But I can lie to the media.”

“No the hell you can’t!” Bree retorts. “You can’t control your face. That’s why you trend on Twitter after pressers because half of the country turns you into a meme.”

Tess’s face falls. “Wait, they do that?”

Bree points at her as Kamilla snorts. “This is exactly what I’m talking about! Anyways!” She claps her hands, gathering her thoughts. “You can’t control your face. You are the worst liar I’ve ever met. Which is why I know that look on your face at the airport was real. You aren’t lying to the media – you’re lying to Paige, which is why you’re fumbling the bag. You fuck with Paige, whether you’ve realized that or not.”

Tess’s face burns red as her thoughts race. “What are you, my therapist? I don’t fuck with Paige, whatever the hell you mean by that.” Bree narrows her eyes at her, and Tess has to look away. “Christ,” Tess mutters, fingers pressing into her temple. “Look, me and Paige are just friends. I’m just a mess emotionally with everything going on and she’s like, the only person I’ve hung out with that’s not you two.”

Kamilla nudges Bree with her elbow, drawing her attention as she breaks her silence. “Maybe we don’t need to grill her on this now,” she suggests, but her tone of voice leads Tess to believe that it’s more of a demand. “She’s going through a lot. Let her friendships just be friendships.” Tess shoots her a grateful look as Bree sighs, crossing her arms and leaning against the counter.

“I’m just looking out for you,” Bree says after a while. “I know you – you’re my girl, Tess. You’re not good at lying, or keeping secrets, or pretending, or doing anything casual. You’re real, maybe blunt to a fault, and you always give everything your all. I just want you to be careful. Blurring those lines with Paige can make things really complicated and you need to focus on recovery – not her.”

Tess frowns, pushing around the egg on her plate. She suddenly doesn’t feel hungry anymore. The anxiety creeps up into her chest, kickstarting her heart, and she has to breathe through the what-ifs and the slight panic that comes with questioning everything you’ve known for the past week. “I know you mean well, Bree, but I’m good,” Tess states once she gathered her thoughts. She gives her two teammates a smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes, and judging by the way Bree deflates, she knows that she knows she’s soured the mood. “Trust. I’m not going to fall for Paige and I’m not going to blur those lines. We’re just friends who have to make the best of a weird situation because we fucked up our reputations. Nothing more.”

Bree stares at her long and hard, as if she doesn’t believe her. Tess doesn’t believe herself, either, but she has all the time in the world to start convincing herself that she’s just fine with her situation and there’s nothing to read into. “If you’re sure,” is what Bree says instead.

Tess can only give a half-hearted nod, suddenly feeling a lot less sure.

Her parents arrive shortly after noon as expected. She moved all of her packed belongings to the living room, anticipating their arrival, and she’d nearly teleported to the door once she heard the knock. Kamilla and Bree made themselves scarce after their uncomfortable conversation after breakfast. Tess isn’t sure if it’s because they knew that she needed time alone with her parents or because they were regretting bringing up the Paige situation at all. Maybe it was a mix of both, but Tess remembers she has other things to worry about as she opens the door to her apartment, coming face to face with her parents.

Her mother and her father, Alessandra and Mateo, stand just a few inches taller than she does with her father tallest of their trio. When she was younger, she used to hate that she stopped growing at 5’10 when her parents were 6’0 and 6’3 respectively. It used to make her feel small, like she wasn’t meeting her potential. Now, after everything she’s been through, she falls directly into their open arms and it feels like coming home all over again. They wrap her up tightly, engulfing her completely, and she finds that she has a newfound respect for being the shortest of them.

She doesn’t realize she’s crying until she feels her tears soak her mother’s blouse and her mother starts smoothing the hair at the crown of her head. The gentle touch is enough for the dam to finally break. Tess shudders through heaving sobs as her parents hold her tighter, whispering pleasantries in murmured Italian that only makes her wish she’d never shut them out. She wishes she asked them to come down for her surgery, that she asked them to take her home after the fact. She wishes she was cognizant enough to have asked for their help before she let everything consume her. It’s too late for ill-timed wishes, although there’s still plenty of time for her to make up for her misgivings.

Her parents let her cry until there’s nothing left, and only then do they pull away. Her mother wipes away the residual tear tracks on her cheeks with her thumbs, pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead as her father stares at her with a look that mirrors both his concern and his love for her. She stares back at him, at her mother, at the two people who have dropped nearly everything to support her and her dreams. They let her have her way when she couldn’t bear to see anyone after her surgery, they let her have her way when she wanted to move several hundred miles down south for basketball because she believed in what Coach Staley was preaching. Tess feels so much remorse and grief and love constrict around her heart and she can’t stop herself when she rushes out, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I–”

“You have nothing to apologize for, piccola,” her father says, interrupting her spiraling thoughts, but his understanding does nothing to quell the guilt.

“Yes I do,” she chokes out, eyes wide as she stares at the both of them, fresh tears beading at her waterline. “I got hurt and I pushed you guys away and I almost killed myself. I spiraled for a month straight and said awful things and almost ruined my knee for good. People tried so hard to help me and I didn’t let them.”

Her mother squeezes her hand, smiling softly at her. “We are your parents. You do not need to do anything to earn our forgiveness. You have it. Unconditionally.”

Tess’s lip trembles. She tries to fight the tears. “That’s not how that works,” she says weakly. 

“Some things don’t have to work any certain way,” her father says. “Sometimes they just are. We’re proud of you, Tess.”

Growing up, people always said that Tess was a mix of her parents. She had her mother’s coiled, dark brown hair, her laugh, her nose, her sarcasm. She had her father’s eyes, his smile, his heart, his drive. Now, she’s beginning to realize that the trait her parents share – their ability to forgive – hasn’t quite reached her just yet.

“You don’t need forgiveness from other people,” her mother says, halting her racing thoughts. “You just need to forgive yourself, sweet girl. Learn from this, bounce back and recover, but you cannot do any of that if you hold the blame close to your heart.”

“I’m trying,” Tess confesses.

Several thoughts swim in her brain. She hears it all. Trying isn’t enough. Try harder. Why did you let it get this bad in the first place? It takes her far too long to realize the voice is her own. Her parents would never say any of that to her. But what they do say instead is, “Sometimes trying is all you can do,” and that’s enough to make her bottom lip wobble again. She launches herself back into their arms as her father continues, “We know you can heal from this. We know it’s hard. But you need to believe in yourself and try.”

The words get stuck in her throat as she tries to breathe through the pounding in her chest. All she can manage is a nod, but they understand her – they always do. Her parents hold her until she comes back to earth, her mother flashing a familiar smile at her. “Are you ready to go?”

Tess nods again, wiping her cheeks again. “Yeah. Just let me say bye to Kam and Bree first.”

Her parents nod, picking up her suitcase, her backpack, and her Amazon box by the door. They exit her apartment with her belongings in tow as Tess makes her way to Bree’s door first, knocking on it gently and waiting for her to open it.

When Bree does, she opens her arms immediately and Tess falls into her embrace. “Have a safe drive, okay?” Bree says, squeezing her. “Call if you need anything.”

“I will,” Tess promises, pulling away.

“Listen,” Bree says. “I’m sorry about earlier. I shouldn’t be in your business like that.”

Tess shakes her head. “It’s okay. I know where you’re coming from. Thank you for looking out for me. Just trust that I can look out for myself, too?”

“Done,” she agrees, and she sweeps Tess into one last hug before saying her goodbyes and venturing back into her room.

Kamilla’s room is her final stop. She doesn’t even have to knock before Kamilla opens the door and wraps her arms around Tess. “Don’t miss me too much,” Tess says jokingly, and Kamilla laughs, her chin resting on Tess’s head.

“Too late,” her best friend states. “Come home, Tess Kennedy. The kids miss you.”

Tess grins, rolling her eyes. “Sorry, Kam. I gotta go my own way.”

Kamilla pulls away but smiles fondly at Tess. “Text me when you’re home safe. I don’t care how late it is.”

“I will,” she promises again. Kamilla wraps her up one more time, saying goodbye, and returning to her room.

When Tess makes it back to the living room, her parents are back and empty handed. Tess smiles at them, slipping her crutches under her arms, and together, the three of them begin the 12 hour journey back to Brooklyn.

The first few hours of the drive are dedicated to the much needed conversation with her parents. Tess recaps the last few weeks to her them, explaining her thought process, the loneliness, the near constant knee pain. It’s all smooth sailing until she reaches last week’s events and the meeting with Amaya. She honestly has all intentions of leaving out the Paige situation, not wanting to lie to her parents because she and Paige agreed they wouldn’t tell anyone. If there was one thing Bree was right about, it was the fact that Tess was a shitty liar, and she would prefer to avoid the situation as a whole.

“So what about that blonde guard you’ve been hanging out with?” her dad asks innocently, completely ruining her entire plan.

Fuck. So much for that.

“Um,” she says smartly, a blush rising on her cheeks. Her dad glances up, meeting her eyes in the rear-view mirror, and his lips twitch into a smirk. “We’re taking things slow right now,” she says slowly. “Paige reached out after I tore my ACL and offered her condolences. I didn’t really want to accept help from anyone, but she flew out and surprised me after my meeting with Amaya, and, I don’t know, but it was really nice.”

“Do you like her?” her mother asks.

“Mamma,” she groans, exasperated. Her mom levels her with a look that makes her insides crumble. She remembers that her and Paige aren’t even publicly official, so what’s the harm in downplaying it? “I mean, she gets it, you know?” She gets me, is the clarification that goes unsaid, but Tess gets the idea that her parents understand her meaning just the same. “We play on different teams. I didn’t, um, want to let her get close,” she says tactfully, feeling as the words hit a little too close to home. “But I couldn’t stop it. I like being her friend and talking to her. That’s good enough for me for now.”

Her parents share a look in the front seat. Tess is sweating bullets in the back, trying desperately to distract herself by flipping her phone mindlessly in her hand. Truth be told, she’s not even sure where the truth ends and the lie begins. This whole situation is so messy, she thinks to herself, only snapping out of her thoughts when her mother speaks up. “Well, you sound happy,” she says, which genuinely surprises Tess. Another thing Bree was right about. She cannot control her expressions. “She may be good for you, piccola.”

Tess swallows thickly, craning her head to stare out the window. The trees on the side of the interstate pass by in a blur. She finds them much more interesting to look at now. “I hope so,” Tess says, the words coming to her easily.

Thankfully, her mother cranks up the AC and adjusts in her seat, aiming to take a power nap before she swaps places with Tess’s father to finish out the drive. Her father glances at her once more through the rear view, a knowing smile on his face, which unsettles Tess more than she’d like to admit, but the underlying softness in his eyes makes it hard to be too worried. Releasing a deep breath, she pulls her own blanket over her legs, pops her earbuds in, and leans against the car door as she closes her eyes, hoping to speed the drive along by sleeping through it. They still had another 10 hours to go, and Tess will be close to losing it if she has to talk about Paige for any longer.

The rest of their drive passes in relative peace. Tess crashes for a few hours and wakes up in time to order dinner from a drive-thru. Her parents switch driving duty an hour later at the closest rest stop and Tess takes the time to get out of the car to stretch her leg and use the bathroom. She stocks up on a couple of overpriced vending machine snacks, and before she knows it, they’re back on the road again.

She tries to nap again, but after the three hour snooze she took, she feels more restless than anything. Combined with being in the car for six hours, she’s ready to start running laps, knee be damned. She’s running out of playlists to listen to and she can only play Subway Surfers for so long before she starts getting exhausted of it. As if she senses her turmoil, a text from Paige comes through, and Tess can almost cry with relief, knowing that the blonde will have something stupid to say that will distract her.

Are you alive?

barely the longer we drive the more i wish i took a plane there’s got to be a donor somewhere out there who can give me their knee

So I don’t think that’s actually how that works!

so i don’t think you’re qualified to say that!

I am The ladies call me Dr. Bueckers Okay that was actually worded really bad

“the ladies” huh

Please don’t make this a thing I regretted it as soon as I sent it

every day i wonder how and why girls throw themselves at you you literally can’t flirt for shit you just annoy people and say the stupidest things so confidently

Well you’re still talking to me I think it works

my choices right now are entertaining you or staring out the window for another six hours

This is progress cause a week ago you would have said you’d prefer to stare out the window Tess Kennedy MIGHT like me 🤩

paige bueckers MIGHT be delusional 🤩

The line between delusion and manifestation is thin but I get what I want so just keep on hating

ok bars ur still delusional though

One day I’ll get you to admit it I’ve grown on you

much like a fungus

You think I’m a fun guy!

[8 Ball]

Don’t deflect

are you chicken?

Okay I see how it is

Tess and Paige probably set the record for the most pool games played in one sitting, which is surprising for two reasons. The first being the fact that Paige apparently had nothing going on for six hours, the second being the fact that Paige actually sat and played pool with Tess for six hours. Tess’s eyes had started drooping around 11:30 pm, but she and Paige were tied in how many wins they had (318 each – they kept track in a shared note), so she kept pushing through, even though her eyes burned and she wanted to crash. When Tess claims victory 319, Paige almost loses it.

You’re actually cheating

how tf am i cheating at 8 ball?

You seem like the type to take a screenshot and use the ruler

i’ll have you know i’m a woman of honor and integrity you’re just ass

You say the nicest things Okay one last round and I need to go to bed You’re almost home right?

we have like 20 more min yeah

Lock in

Tess, in fact, does not lock in. Six hours of pool is probably detrimental to her eyesight, so she cuts her losses and accepts one final draw between her and Paige. 319 each is good enough for her – especially with the time inching closer and closer to midnight and the fact she’ll likely see the pool table in her sleep.

Rematch tomorrow?

i don’t think i can ever play 8 ball again it will be too soon when my therapist said to find a new hobby i don’t think this is what she meant

You’re welcome!

i did not say thank you

You didn’t have to But you’re welcome for spending 6 hours on 8 ball with you

thank you

Oh my God that sounded genuine

and you just killed the moment

We were having a moment? 🤭

ok goodnight don’t text me again

You’ll miss me Lemme know when you’re home for real I’ll stay up

you don’t have to

So notice how that wasn’t the request

fine i'll let you know

Paige simply reacts to her message with a heart, and with a soft smile, Tess shuts her phone off and finally gives it a rest after six hours of non-stop use. Her screen time was probably off the charts, but that’s a problem for another time.

The last fifteen minutes of the drive passes by quickly and before she knows it, her mom is pulling into the driveway of their house. Tess could cry in relief, though whether it’s from lingering homesickness or the need to get out of the car, she doesn’t know. Her mother shakes her father awake and together, the two of them grab Tess’s bags from the back while she slips her crutches under her arms as they make their way into the house.

Tess hardly has the time to soak it all in. The last time she was home was during spring break, but right now, her main concern is hauling her ass to bed and passing out. Her parents carefully deposit her belongings on the floor in her room. Sharing one last hug for the night and exhausted goodnights, her parents leave her be and Tess all but collapses into bed. She adjusts the pillow under her knee, plugs in her phone, and opens her messages with Paige.

i'm home

Paige’s response is near instantaneous. Tess wonders if she was hovering, patiently waiting for her message before she let sleep consume her. Tess doesn’t dwell on it, not liking the way the thought made her chest tighten.

Thank you Night ma 🫶

Tess bids her goodnight, too, and she shuts her phone off, placing it on the bedside table. She stares at the ceiling, wondering why Paige’s message leaves an almost foreign stirring feeling in her stomach. But as her eyes slip shut, she determines she’ll just have to deal with it at another time, and she lets sleep finally take her.

MAY 11, 2023 - JUNE 20, 2023

The next month of Tess’s life passes in a blur of PT, weekly therapy appointments, mentoring from various Liberty members (although that was unplanned for), movie nights with her parents, and truthfully far too much Fortnite with Paige. She had her first PT appointment with Theresa, or Terri as she’d insisted Tess call her, on May 11th. As her appointment was in between the Liberty’s first two preseason matches, Tess saw a lot more of the Liberty players than she was expecting to. Stewie is taller than her Wikipedia led Tess to believe and Betnijah was even prettier in person. They all expressed their condolences as they filtered in and out for last minute screenings and check ups, and Tess couldn’t quite lose her stupefied awe no matter how many pros she talked to. She even got a follow back from Stewie, who joked that she was “alright for a Gamecock.” 

Tess genuinely felt like she won the lottery. She couldn’t believe Sabrina had reached out for her or that it was even this easy in the first place, though she probably has to give more credit to the Liberty front office for granting their permission and monopolizing on the opportunity. So far, it’s been pretty mutualistic — Tess works with Terri, learns from seasoned veterans, cleans up her image a little more, and honestly increases her draft stock through league exposure; in turn, the Liberty monopolizes on Tess’s branding and status as a college athlete, aiding in growing the scene. There’s a lot of viewers out there who tune in solely for college athletics. The Liberty have already reported an increase in traffic on their websites and even some ticket sales, which Tess is honestly surprised by. She still has another year minimum in college; the fact that people are tuning in for her (when she isn’t even in the league yet) and the fact that she’s helping grow the WNBA simply by hanging out with the Liberty and rehabbing her knee is insane. 

That was something Paige had teased her relentlessly about when they both found the time to FaceTime that Friday. Paige’s flight back to Minnesota was delayed a few hours, so she spent most of Thursday at the airport. She and Tess were supposed to chat after she landed, but the blonde went straight to bed once she made it home. 

“With the 1st pick in the 2024 WNBA Draft, the New York Liberty select—”

“Okay, you’re not funny,” Tess gripes, narrowing her eyes at Paige, who can’t control her laughter from across the screen. Tess is in the middle of setting up her Playstation account, trying — and failing — to remember where most of the buttons are on the controller. Paige already has Fortnite loaded up on her screen and tries her best to help Tess with the logistics, but she keeps getting sidetracked. “The Liberty won’t have first pick for a hot minute. And you’d think they’d take me over Caitlin?”

“Stop talking about other women!” Paige cries. “Am I not enough for you or what?”

“You are so easy to mess with, it’s unreal,” Tess states. She leans in closer to her screen. “What the hell is L1?”

“Top button on the left,” Paige supplies. “The one on the back is the trigger, L2.”

Tess sighs, pressing the button and finishing up some of her customization as she navigates her way to the console store to download Fortnite. “Nerd,” she says under her breath, but the indignant gasp from Paige is the only reaction she needs. “Honestly,” she begins, hesitating slightly. “I might not declare in 2024.”

“What?” Paige blurts. “Don’t tell me you’re quitting ball. An angel just lost its wings.”

“Not like that!” Tess rushes to say. She stares at the download bar as it fills up, not looking at Paige. “I was talking to Sabrina this morning — chill, she is grown and she has a man —” her words do nothing to quell Paige’s dramatic huff, “and she suggested I use my redshirt eligibility and take an extra year. I mean, I’ll be back in time for March Madness and can play a few games with the new redshirting rules, though I’m honestly not feeling confident in returning from an injury, taking on high level play with little to no practice, then declaring for the draft fresh off of recovery. I’m not, like, worried about my ability, but from a purely logistical standpoint, no team would willingly want to draft me in this condition, right? It wouldn’t be safe. I wouldn't be a reliable pick. I feel like it would be good for me to stay, get back into it, and declare when I’m actually at my best.”

Paige is quiet for a moment, and when Tess glances down at her phone, she can see that Paige is deep in thought. When she finally responds, her voice is soft. “I know what you mean. I think you should,” she says. “Stay, I mean. I don’t think I’m declaring in 2024, either.”

Tess smiles knowingly at her. “Oh, you just wanna keep getting dunked on by me, huh?”

Paige rolls her eyes, but grins at her. “You’re 5’10. Only way you’re dunking is if they lower the rims.”

“You’re such an asshole!”

“You started it!” They dissolve into laughter. Tess’s download finally finishes and she opens Fortnite. “I’m serious, though,” Paige continues thoughtfully. “I’ve missed so many games due to injuries. I want a healthy offseason. A healthy season in general. A natty.”

“I always forget you barely have two seasons worth of games played,” Tess admits. “Your stats are kinda crazy.”

Paige smiles smugly. “Super efficient, I know. Don’t get too jealous.”

Tess scoffs. “Every time I say something nice, I immediately regret it. You can never just say thank you, can you?”

“Thank you, Tess Kennedy, I can’t wait until we play each other in 2025 and I stat pad my 3-point percentages 'cause you can’t guard me,” Paige declares confidently. 

Tess’s jaw falls open. “I’m more likely to go #1 in the draft than you are to score on me,” she states. Paige raises a brow, as if to say really? and Tess rolls her eyes with an amused smile. “Okay, friend me or something. I don’t know how this works.”

“What’s your Playstation name?”

“tkennedy25.”

“Super original,” Paige says dryly, but quickly enough, she gets a friend request from pboogers1. “Don’t ask.” Tess accepts it with a wry smirk, as well as the party invitation. She watches as Paige’s character spawns on her screen, fully decked out. Tess’s character honestly looks like a loser next to hers, though it’s probably because her starting character is a man. “Where’s your drip at?”

“I don’t know,” Tess whines. “Why am I a man?”

“You gotta play more to get skins,” Paige supplies unhelpfully. “Are you ready to spend the next month playing Fortnite?”

“Do I have a choice?”

“Nope! Ready up!”

Tess does just that. Her first few games are frustrating. She’s still getting accustomed to the button layout and the building in the game sucks, but Paige has endless patience (somehow) and Tess finds herself having more and more fun as Paige tries to guide her through it. She spends a fair bit of time begging for Paige to revive her (fall damage is not a fun concept) and even more time yelling that she’s getting shot at. They’re halfway through a match and making their way into the zone when they come across another duo.

“Flank them!”

“What the fuck does that even mean?!” Tess cries, trying to aim and shoot. Multitasking has never been so difficult.

“I’m at the top of the key,” Paige says. “Go to one of the wings.”

“What do you – ohhhhh.” Tess does as instructed and with both her and Paige firing, the other players are quickly taken down, leaving their loot. “Wait. Why was that actually a good call?”

“There may be hope for you yet, ma,” Paige says, placing a hand over her heart like she’s swooning, and it’s enough to make Tess crack a smile despite the flush on her cheeks.

When they take the win at the end of the round, Tess isn’t sure who’s more surprised – her or Paige. Tess drops her controller on her bed as she cheers – loudly – and Paige buries her head in her hands. If her knee was in better shape, she’s certain she’d be taking victory laps by now.

“I can’t believe you stole my fucking kill,” Paige says in near disbelief. “I did so much damage–”

“Oh, my God!” Tess screams, not processing any of Paige’s words. “We won! Did you see that?” she asks excitedly, barely hearing Paige’s initial response. She digs around in her blankets to locate her phone. When she finally fishes it out, Paige is already gazing at her through the screen, face and smile softening as she takes in Tess’s excitement.

“I did,” Paige confirms. Tess finally keys in on her stupid grin and she feels the flush travel the length of her body.

“I feel like you’re making fun of me.”

“I’m not!” Paige exclaims, and her grin widens. “Just proud, s’all. You went from not knowin’ where X was to gunning people down.”

“We make a good team,” Tess says nonchalantly, but, fuck, Bree is always right – she can’t keep the dumb expression off her face. Her eyes are bright with elation, with the satisfaction that comes with finally understanding something. Paige’s raw honesty and the simple ‘Just proud’ means something different coming from her, even if her pride stems from Tess sucking just a little less at a video game.

Paige’s smile turns tender, and instead of a witty remark, her voice is soft when she admits, “Yeah, we do,” and it makes the warmth creep onto Tess’s cheeks once more. “Couple more?” she asks hopefully. “I got nothin’ but time.”

And that’s how they spend the rest of their day, learning more and more about each other in between game queues and early game rotations. Tess eventually has to get off to save her eyesight and do some PT, but it’s hard to get rid of her smile even after she shuts off the console and she and Paige hang up. When she ventures out of her room for dinner, Tess tries her best to ignore her parents’ knowing smiles. The look in their eyes explains more than their words ever could, and briefly, as she’s layering salad on her plate, Tess thinks of a future where everything is less complicated, where she and Paige don’t have to put a fake label to something they’re not.

But that thought sounds suspiciously like something Tess isn’t ready to face, so she wipes it from her brain and drizzles the balsamic over her salad.

On Saturday, Paige introduces her to Drew. He’s off school for the weekend and Paige asked if she’d be interested in running trios with him. Tess honestly couldn’t think of a world where she’d say no to that, to learning more about who Paige Bueckers is outside of basketball and being a charming mix of annoying and unbelievably sweet. Looks aside, Tess would have assumed that Paige and Drew were fully blood related the way their mannerisms were exactly the same, all the way down to their sassy, “Alright now,” that never failed to make her laugh. Drew tells her all about how his classes are going and how he’s going to be better than Paige at basketball one day. Tess is pretty sure she and Drew become best friends when she tells him, “I think you’re already better than her,” and Paige gasps so indignantly that she almost chokes.

Tess is an only child, but with the speed at which she and Drew bond, she thinks he might become an honorary brother. She’s so focused on Drew that she misses the look of complete adoration on Paige’s face, the tender curve of her smile. She only registers something is off because Paige is unnaturally quiet – which never happens because Paige has a near inability to shut up. It was something Tess had to convince herself was annoying, but now she knows it’s just another part of who Paige is.

“Lock in, Paigey,” Drew tells her, realizing she’s unfocused, too, and his demand makes Tess erupt in laughter.

“Bro, I am locked in!” she exclaims.

The three of them load into the game and Drew drops a marker in the middle of the map. He looks at Paige with an expression that is menacing in the way only a younger sibling can ever be capable of. “You should pay more attention to the game,” he says innocently, “and less on your girlfriend.”

“Drew!” Paige cries, her face reddening. Tess feels the burn on her cheeks but she can’t stop herself from bursting into peals of laughter. Paige drops her controller long enough to bury her face in her hands in exasperation. Drew’s giggles are infectious, which makes it harder for Tess to get the air back in her lungs. “Bro, do not kill my girlfriend. I will hunt you down, swear.”

Drew sticks his thumb and index fingers up in an L shape, shoving his hand in Paige’s face, who pushes him back dramatically. “You both need to lock in,” Tess gripes, but she can’t wipe the smile off her face. “You promised me a win, Paigey.”

Paige scoffs, picking her controller back up. Together, the three of them begin their descent, along with dozens of other players, into the most populated location on the map. “Don’t trip, ma. You know I got you.”

Tess hums, unconvinced. Eventually, they do end up taking the win at the end of the match, which results in Drew showboating after he successfully stole the final kill from Paige. Tess giggles as she watches him run a victory lap around their living room over the phone. Paige meets Tess’s eyes, a fond expression on her face, although she rolls her eyes good-naturedly. The blonde isn’t a different person around her brother by any means. She’s still sarcastic, freakishly charming, but there’s an underlying softness in how she speaks to him that reminds Tess of how Paige speaks to her. She’s not soft because Drew is younger or needs coddling, but Tess suspects that Paige just treats him that way because Drew just means that much to her. There’s an immeasurable amount of care in her heart that most people miss simply because Paige likes to tease, but having grown up similarly, Tess is fine-tuned to the way Paige shows her love, fine-tuned to the way it manifests in their own friendship.

For the next month and some change, this is their routine. Tess and Paige spend hours on FaceTime playing Fortnite. Sometimes it’s with Drew, who yaps just as much as Paige does, but as the time goes by, Tess finds that she truly enjoys listening to the both of them go on. They talk about their blended family and their other siblings, Ryan and Lauren. Paige lights up when Tess asks more about them – it’s obvious that she’s an amazing older sister and her siblings clearly adore her. In turn, Tess opens up about her cousins. Her mother had fertility issues and Tess was their miracle baby; her cousins were the closest people she had to siblings, and she wouldn’t change a thing about it. One day, Drew declared that Tess is his sister now, too, and that was enough to shock Paige and make Tess tear up.

Other times, it’s just her and Paige hanging out alone. They talk about any and everything, poking fun at each other over the simplest things, laughing at stupid shit, and stirring the pot online when they share photos of their wins with cringey captions like, “my duo.”

Tess has never verbalized it before, but she knew it was just as true: Paige gets her. The knee, the on-court pressure, their other shared interests. The understanding between her and Kamilla is different from the one between her and Paige. She lacks the ability to define it, and honestly, she’s not sure how important the actual definition is anymore. She’s acutely aware of just how much of her life she’s inadvertently dampened by trying to understand something before experiencing it. The moral is that Paige has quickly become an integral facet in her life. That thought doesn’t scare her as much as it used to.

“Okay, so what do you notice that’s different about me?” Tess asks coyly one day after she props her phone up on her nightstand, taking a few cautious steps backwards. She places her hands on her hips, watching as Paige taps her chin dramatically.

“Wait, you’re not using your crutches anymore!” the blonde exclaims.

“Nope! Officially cleared.” Tess wiggles her leg, a beaming grin on her face. “Still got the brace, though.”

Their friendship progresses over the month and so does Tess’s recovery. Her wins easily become Paige’s wins. Paige celebrates her with just as much enthusiasm as she celebrates wins on the court, all teeth and wide smiles when Tess reports back with crucial developments in therapy or new developments with her knee. Tess is just as invested in Paige’s life as she is in hers; Tess “officially” meets some of her teammates when they’re on live one night and Paige forces her to join. They spend hours together, and judging by all of the screen recordings they’re tagged in the morning after, they clearly did a good job at pretending to be together (although Bree’s factual statement about Tess being unable to lie swims in Tess’s head on repeat).

When they’re not playing Fortnite or fucking around on the other games Paige forces her to try out, they’re building LEGO sets together. They were on FaceTime one night building two different sets: Tess with a tuxedo cat and Paige with a red rose, and the jokes were flowing. When Paige finished her rose, she displayed it proudly with a cheeky smile, holding it up to her phone screen as if she was giving it to Tess. While Tess rolled her eyes, she couldn’t curb her growing fondness for the blonde, and they both seemed to know it.

“What do we think about the white?” Tess asks another day, holding the aforementioned dress over her body, displaying it for Paige, who sits patiently on the other end of the phone.

The blonde raises an unimpressed brow. “Who all’s gonna be there?”

Tess levels her with an unimpressed look of her own, lowering the dress slightly. “P, it’s my cousin’s baby shower. Take a wild guess.”

Paige raises her hands defensively. “All I’m saying is the white looks good as hell on you. I might have to fly out to make sure no one brings a plus one who’s on some funny shit.”

Tess flushes, but rolls her eyes with a pleased expression. “The white’s nice, right? But look at this gold one I have, too.” Tess hangs the white dress back in her closet, returning with the gold one in tow – it has a slightly longer skirt but it’s a little more snug at the top. Paige is quiet for far too long. Tess narrows her eyes at her, stepping closer to the phone to see what’s going on only to realize Paige is just shamelessly checking her out. “Eyes up here, Romeo. White or gold?”

Paige clears her throat. “Can’t you just wear a paper bag or sum’?”

“To my cousin’s baby shower?” Tess deadpans.

Paige stares back at her with a serious expression. “Well, it’s either the paper bag or you figure out how to become ugly. Only one of those is possible.”

“You are no help at all. Let me call Sabrina –”

“Gold,” Paige interrupts quickly. “You don’t need Sabrina. She’s not even six foot.”

“And her height makes her unfit to pick out dresses, because…why?”

“She don’t see the vision like I do,” the blonde says simply, smirking in a self-satisfied way. “The gold? Immaculate.”

“Spell immaculate.”

Paige gasps indignantly. “Alright! It’s like you’ont even want my help. What am I even here for?”

Tess grins mischeviously at her, returning the dress back to the rack in her closet. “Clearly just to stare at me. You have no shame, Paige Bueckers.”

She raises her eyebrows suggestively, her expression appreciative. “Well, I mean–”

“Goodnight, Paige!”

Somewhere in between late night FaceTimes and breaking the Internet one Instagram comment at a time, their friendship seems to shift. It all becomes natural. She wakes up, responds to Paige’s timely Good morning! texts, reposts her stories and comments on her posts. The longer that this goes on, the less that Tess cares about whoever they’re supposed to be pretending for. Her brand deals are trusting her again and the trolls in her comments start disappearing. Her PT and therapy appointments are going well and she starts feeling like herself again. She’s sure she could credit that to Paige’s near constant presence in her life, but she knows the blonde well enough by now – Paige would emphasize that it’s all Tess. For a while, Tess was fearful of letting this get out of hand, but she’s coming to realize now that she doesn’t mind how their friendship has evolved.

But Tess has been around for long enough to realize that the ball drops sooner rather than later. Late at night in early June, Tess gasps awake with debilitating pain in her knee. It was unexpected – she hadn’t felt it like this in quite a while. Her exercises were going well and she was usually cautious to not overwork herself, but perhaps she did a little too much that day and it’s coming back to bite her in the ass. She groans in pain as she pushes herself into a sitting position, blinking the sleep out of her eyes and blindly reaching for the insulated cup full of ice that she keeps on her nightstand for times like this. Tess digs through her blankets until she finds her phone and turns the flashlight on. She pours some of the ice into a ziplock bag she keeps on hand, zipping it shut tightly and pressing it to her knee. It does little to soothe the pain, but it’s better than nothing, and her breathing becomes a little easier.

It’s only after she takes care of her knee that she finally registers the dryness of her mouth, the thirst for something to numb the pain. She falls back onto her pillows in equal parts frustration and grief – she thought she was past this. She’d made so much progress in therapy and figuring out how to fill her time with new hobbies and activities to distract her. She hadn’t felt an actual craving in a few days, but now, it feels like undoing a month’s worth of work. Tess reaches into the cup and shovels a handful of ice into her mouth. As she chews, it soothes the dryness and the cold is enough to shock her brain, but it’s not enough to regulate her. The pain in her knee combined with the urge to do something she’ll regret makes her feel like she’s drowning again. She could easily satiate it – her parents moved their liquor (not out of distrust, but to keep it out of mind), although she knows where the hiding spots are. She grew up with younger cousins. Knowing how to keep it out of reach was just a matter of responsibility. But now, that responsibility feels uncomfortably like temptation, and it takes everything in her to keep herself rooted to the bed.

Tess reaches for her phone before she even fully processes what she’s doing. She types in her passcode, swipes over to her contacts, and hits call. The phone only rings twice before the line clicks through.

“Tess?” Paige’s voice is quiet, but rough with sleep. Part of Tess feels guilty for waking her up, although the other part of her knows that Paige would have been upset if she didn’t call.

“Hey,” Tess says softly, unconsciously relaxing.

“Are you okay? What’s up?” Paige sounds a little more awake now, shifting around on her bed, and Tess exhales. She hates how much better she does feel just from hearing her voice. Her knee still aches but her brain clears. It’s like coming back up for air after diving.

“I’m sorry for waking you–”

“Don’t,” Paige says firmly, interrupting her. “What's wrong, ma?”

Tess smiles, forgetting Paige can’t see her. “I woke up and I was in so much pain,” she admits in a near whisper, listening to the sound of Paige’s breathing. “Felt like I was tearing my ACL all over again. And then the cravings came back. I was doing so well, like I was improving, but… I’m frustrated and exhausted and my knee hurts so bad, and, I don’t know, I just wanted to hear your voice.” Her confession rings out in the silence of her room. She tries to ignore the way her voice cracks, but her honesty makes the weight on her shoulders feel a little lighter.

“You know you can call me whenever,” Paige says after a while, her voice soft. “I’ll answer.”

“I know.”

“You are improving,” she continues, trying to find the words. “This isn’t a set back, ma, just part of recovery. It’s never gonna be linear. Some nights are gonna be harder than others. But that doesn’t mean you’re going backwards. It just means you gotta fight a little harder.”

“I don’t want to fight anymore,” Tess admits. “I just want to be okay again.”

“You will be,” Paige says confidently, endlessly patient. “Tess Kennedy doesn’t lose to the same opponent twice, right?”

Tess chuckles. “That was kind of a bar.” Paige hums in agreement. “Thank you for picking up.”

Paige makes a noise in the back of her throat, like the idea that she wouldn’t pick up is preposterous. “Always, Tess, you know I got you.” Tess can’t stop the slow smile from spreading across her face. “You want me to stay?”

Tess opens her mouth, hesitating, but reminds herself to be honest. “Can you? Please?”

Paige hums again, her voice sounding sleepy, and Tess relaxes as Paige begins to ramble. “Lauren and Ryan are comin’ up this week. We’re just gonna hang, do a big dinner and shit. I wish they lived closer, but I mean, I’m in Storrs most of the year and they’re getting older so they’ll be goin’ off to college, too. I just really miss them a lot. I think you’d like them. Maybe you can fly up for the holidays and I can introduce you. My parents ask about you. They might like you more than they like me, which is insane…like these past 21 years didn’t mean anything to them.”

“Poor baby,” Tess teases in a soft murmur. She hears Paige snort.

“Are you free, um, fuck – on the holidays?” Tess listens to Paige shuffle around, a smile growing on her lips. “Do you celebrate?”

“Thanksgiving, no; Christmas, yes,” Tess responds. “My parents and I usually just watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on TV and order a pizza.”

“Lemme fly you out for Thanksgiving? Meet my family?”

Tess hardly has to give it a second thought. “Sounds perfect to me,” she says. “You wanna fly out here after Christmas? New Year’s in New York?”

“Whatever you want,” Paige replies. “You’ll have to give me that insider Kennedy knowledge. How do I get your parents to like me?”

Tess laughs, feeling her eyes droop. “You don’t have to worry about that, trust. My mom thinks you’re good for me. And my dad thinks you’re the worst kept secret in the history of Tess Kennedy’s worst kept secrets.”

“Yeah?” Paige huffs out a quiet laugh. “And what does Tess Kennedy think? Am I good for her?”

Tess struggles to stifle her growing smile as she answers coyly. “What do you think?”

She can almost visualize Paige’s grin. “I make you smile. I think ‘m doing somethin’ right.”

And for that, Tess truly has no rebuttal, embracing the warmth that creeps up her cheeks. Paige keeps speaking and Tess tries her best to stay awake to listen, but the timbre of Paige’s voice reverberates throughout her room and lulls her to sleep. It makes her forget about the ache in her knee and the chaos in her mind. Paige’s soft laugh as she recounts her first dunk is the last thing Tess hears before she succumbs to a blessedly peaceful slumber.

[dhorrl]

NSFW Alphabet-Feitan Portor

I never write headcanons really, but this is a great way to me to workshop information for my Janitor AI characters as well. Enjoy! Trigger Warnings: It's Feitan, is his own trigger warning. Mentions of blood, torture, etc...

A = Aftercare

At first, when Feitan just pays for sex, he doesn't bother with aftercare. In his mind, that's already been taken care of by the transaction. But when he meets you and realizes you have more needs than just physical, he begins to pay attention to your well-being. He starts by checking your body for any injuries or cuts and making sure they are taken care of. If necessary, he will bandage them up. Afterwards, he'll carry you to the bath and make sure all traces of blood and fluids are washed away. For less intense encounters without any kink involved, it takes a while but he eventually learns to enjoy having his arm around you and nuzzling into the back of your neck. He's not one for talking much, but this is his way of showing that he's there for you if you need anything.

B = Body Part

Feitan doesn't spend much time admiring his own appearance, so it's hard to say if he has a favorite body part. But on you, he loves your legs. From your thighs to your calves to the curve of your ass, he will mark every inch of them with his teeth or knife. Most likely both... definitely both.

C = Cum

Feitan may have a fit body, but that doesn't necessarily mean he eats great. Don't expect the taste to be great. It's quite watery, but there will definitely be a decent amount. He enjoys cumming inside you, but has no desire for baby-making, so his go-to options are either finishing on your face or your backside. It's clear this man has a thing for marking his territory.

D = Dirty Secret

I don’t think he has any secrets per se (well, maybe that’s not entirely accurate; he definitely HAS secrets), but scandalous secrets? He’d be transparent if you asked him about his history, and he’s probably been with both men and women. Maybe once or twice, Feitan and Phinks have tag-teamed someone – that's just the type of friends they are.

E = Experience

People tend to assume that Feitan is inexperienced or a virgin, but I believe the opposite is true. However, he has never been in a traditional relationship. In my opinion, both him and Phinks prefer to seek paid companionship when they feel the need, for their own personal reasons. It's simpler and faster, without having to deal with emotions. Feitan has specific "preference" and it's easiest for him to pay someone who is willing to indulge in his frustrations and kinks.

F = Favorite Position

It's hard to say what he wants more. On one hand, he loves seeing your face during sex – the way your expression changes when you climax or when he brings out his blade. But above all else, he just wants to make sure you're okay. He reads your body language and facial expressions, especially if you've taken on an intense scene. He has a safe word, of course, but he'll also stop if he senses that you're not using it properly.

On the other hand, sometimes he just wants to bend you over any available surface and fuck you until both of you are exhausted. These quickies usually happen when he's feeling particularly worked up or just needs a release. He'll grab your hair, push your face into whatever is nearby, and pull down your pants as he takes you from behind.

G = Goofy

Contrary to popular belief, Feitan is not as serious as he appears. While he may have a stoic demeanor, it does not mean he lacks a sense of humor. In the bedroom, his behavior can vary. When he takes on the role of Dom, he is completely focused and aware to avoid unleashing too much of his torture skills on you. However, during more casual moments like a quick morning romp, he may crack a smile and playfully nip at your skin in an attempt to make you laugh.

H = Hair

Feitan isn't a very hairy person, with smooth skin all over his body. He has a slight trail of hair that leads down to a small patch of black hair. While it may not be perfectly groomed, it doesn't bother him much. When it comes to his partner, the amount or style of hair they have is of no concern to Feitan; he enjoys them regardless.

I = Intimacy

If Feitan is transitioning from paying for sex to pursuing a relationship with you, congratulations - you have reached an intimate level. For him, this is already a huge step, so if there is anything specific you want, you may need to communicate it clearly. As his feelings for you deepen over time, he may start to appreciate the softer moments between you, even though he might never say so out loud.

J = Jack Off

I don't think he masturbates frequently. It's not because he lacks interest, but rather because he is very self-aware and in control of his body. However, if you were to ask him to do it or even let you do it for him while he lays back on the bed and watches, he would absolutely be up for it.

K = Kink

It goes without saying, we all know he's a dominant, but not in the conventional sense. He craves control and isn't afraid to use restraints. But for Feitan, it's about more than just physical pleasure. He wants to leave his mark on you, carve his symbol into your skin, use ropes that bite into your flesh. The feeling of your blood on his skin is intoxicating to him, and he would savor the opportunity to cut you open and bathe in it. It would be even more thrilling if you possessed a Nen ability with enhanced healing capabilities. He enjoys blood but is not interested in any other bodily fluids. His marking kink would involve carving his name or number onto your skin; in my imagination, you have a "2" engraved somewhere on you.

L = Location

Feitan is not one to hold back; when he wants you, he takes you. However, his preference would be in a bed or a special room akin to the one he uses for his victims, where he can unleash without worry of making a mess.

M = Motivation

Before you came into his life, he would only get in the mood after a demanding job or if it had been a while since his last encounter. But with you around, even simple activities like washing dishes or reading a book can make Feitan ready to go. Just one look from you and he's all fired up.

N = No

I don't believe he has any interest in anything involving feces or urine; it's just not his type of kink. It's not that he finds it disgusting, it's just not something he enjoys. But with almost anything else, even things he initially may not like, I feel like if you persist enough, he'll eventually give in and try it.

O = Oral

He's a giver, through and through. He will bury his face between your thighs, losing himself in the moment until he's dizzy and gasping for breath. Even then, he won't pull away. He'll lick, suck, and maybe even bite if he feels like it. By the time he's finished, every inch of his face will be slick, and his eyes will be wild and primal as he looks at you. And if you try to tell him to stop, it will only fuel his fire. Keep that in mind before you ask him to ease up.

P = Pace

It's always a 50/50 gamble with him. I wouldn't say it's sensual, but he definitely likes to take his time. If you agree to a rougher scene, where he can let loose and show off all his skills, be prepared to be tied up and at his mercy for hours. He may even leave you there, tied up and sweating, before coming back to start the whole thing over again.

But all of this is just the warm-up before he even enters you. When he's finally ready for the final round, he will take you hard. The bed will shake on its rails and the headboard will slam against the walls. And it's absolutely incredible.

Q = Quickie

Feitan doesn't mind a quickie, especially when you're in the middle of a mission and there isn't enough time for a longer session. He has impressive self-control, so if you're not feeling up for it, he's okay with that. However, he also knows that you can't resist him when he asks.

R = Risk

Risk? Feitan doesn't even comprehend the concept, especially when it comes to sex. So what if the other Troupe members might overhear or walk in? Who cares if they fuck during a job and the target might catch them in the act? Feitan would simply eliminate any witnesses and continue as he pleases.

S = Stamina

Oh dear, your body is in for a rough time. When Feitan gets riled up, you'll be in for an extended bout of physical activity. Thanks to his rigorous Nen training and natural stamina, he doesn't tire easily. You'll probably lose consciousness long before he's finished, but even then, he'll likely continue on without missing a beat.

T = Toy

If by toys you're referring to the collection of knives, ropes, and gags he uses for his regular torturing sessions, then yes, those are his "toys." However, I have a feeling that once you explore his kinky side with him, he would have a separate set of these items just for personal use. Some people headcanon that he's dirty or gross, but in reality, he's canonically a germaphobe. He wouldn't want any blood or fluids from his victims to touch you. In fact, I bet he would even invest in a high-quality vibrator for other types of "torture."

U = Unfair

This is Feitan's domain. He takes pleasure in teasing you in every possible manner. He considers himself a master of all forms of torture and you are his favorite subject for experimentation. You better not cum without his permission, or there will be consequences. I can't help but wonder if there's a hint of masochism in him, deliberately prolonging his own orgasm until it becomes unbearable.

V = Volume

Feitan's voice is naturally soft, so he doesn't make much noise during sex. But that doesn't mean he's silent; his words are like whispers in your ear, filled with degrading comments and descriptions of what he plans to do next. He watches closely for your reactions to his words, using them to gauge your pleasure.

W = Wild Card

Feitan may not even realize it, but he’s a tsundere with yandere tendencies. He is fixated on you and will go to great lengths to gather information about you. He sees it as a way to bond with you. Your past and relationships with others hold little importance to him unless he can use them to manipulate you. He pays close attention to every detail about you for his own gratification. While this can lead to unexpected surprises, there is a fine line between showing affection and being overly possessive.

X = X-Ray

Let me begin by saying that size isn't always the most important thing. However, that doesn't mean Feitan is lacking in that department. He may not impress when flaccid with a modest 2 inches, but he definitely makes up for it with a solid 5 inches when fully aroused. "Size not matter in fight… or in bed."

Y = Yearning

Feitan has an above average drive and libido, but an even higher level of self-control. He can easily suppress any desires he may have, but when the opportunity arises, be prepared for him to let loose. After finishing a job, it's best to take a few days off because you won't be able to walk afterwards.

Z = ZZZ

I can hardly imagine him getting any sleep at all. I'm sure he does, but as a long time Spider, he has likely trained his body to function on minimal rest. Those rare moments after sex, when everything is calm and still, may be the only times where he truly lets himself relax, though. Even then, it's probably only momentary.

[whumplump]

Day 31 of @augusnippets - Bonus day

Experiment, part 2

Part 1

CW: lab whump, mentioned vivisection, surgeon whumper, blood, testing, gaslighting, non con treatment

Here it is, for the total of 0 people who were waiting for a part 2.

The devil learns quickly. When night falls, he comes out from under the ground and comes to torment the weakest minds. This is how Whumper thinks and acts. He turned on the light in a room the same color as the rest of the building: white. It was a simple little room, less equipped than the rest of the other rooms. It was the auxiliary laboratory, where samples of all types of content were stored. He went to a refrigerator in the center of the room and from one of its shelves took out a tray with a dozen small transparent tubes. Blood samples. He placed the object on a table to evaluate it further. He lifted tube by tube, reading the names written on paper glued to the small glasses. Caretaker, no... Team Leader, no... Teammate, no... Whumpee. Yes.

He put the tray back in the fridge and left the room, taking the tube labeled Whumpee with him. He walked through the dull, white hallways. In the end, he entered a slightly calmer room, without tables full of surgical tools, with four hospital beds. Three were empty. Only one of them had someone lying down. A pale, malnourished youngling with a seriously unwell appearance. They had an IV connected to their arm, receiving saline solution, and some other electrodes stuck to their body. They were semi conscious. Whumper approached them with the tube in hand. He wasn't wearing his surgical mask, but the poor thing on the bed couldn't see his face because of the dizziness. Whumper gently tapped them on the shoulder to get their attention.

Whumpee looked up at the figure. They couldn't discern the shapes very well, but they could guess that the stranger was wearing a surgeon's outfit.

“How are you feeling, subject 32?"

Whumpee couldn't speak. They were dizzy and in a lot of pain, especially in the abdominal region. Whumper watched them for a moment before speaking again. He didn't really care if Whumpee was actually listening or not.

"Pay attention. I'm afraid you have a serious illness. I haven't finished all the tests yet, but watch," he brought the sample tube closer to Whumpee's face so they could see it. "See how dark your blood is.”

Whumpee couldn't make out the words very well, and didn't even know what it was in front of them. Whumper moved the tube out of their view.

"My first extraction attempt didn't work on you. You're very weak, 32. You passed out before I could complete the second incision. See."

He took a small photo from his pocket and held it in front of the patient's face. Whumpee's eyes widened at the image. It was their body, stretched out on a bed, with two incisions in their abdomen. They were still weak and medicated, but they gathered the strength to speak.

"What... What is this…?”

“My test.”

“Where am… Where am I?...”

“You are currently in the recovery ward. Since last week. I need you to be healthy to complete section 32 properly.”

“No..." Whumpee tried to move, but they were stopped by a sharp pain in their abdomen, thanks to the incisions that were being healed.

"You're sick, 32, that's for sure. Until I find out what you have, you'll be under observation in the recovery ward."

Whumpee looked at the surgeon with fearful eyes.

“What are you going to do to me...?"

Whumper reached out a hand and ran it through the patient's hair.

"Nothing for now. I just need to monitor you."

“No... I'm not sick..."

"Yes you are."

"Who are you?..."

Whumper didn't respond. He fixed the IV solution. From a drawer in the dresser next to the bed, he picked a small scalpel.

"If you don't believe me, see for yourself."

Whumpee looked at the knife in terror. They gathered all their strength to struggle on the bed.

"No! No!"

Whumper held them with one hand, careful for the incisions healing. With the other, he brought the scalpel closer to Whumpee's face…

The patient must see a practical demonstration.

[beelspillowpet]

Oooh I loved the on you did on asmo! Single handedly made him one of my fav brothers! Maybe a mammon analysis next?

I'd been meaning to revamp the one of Asmo but it's been so long since I've even tried to advance the story in OM, let alone log in...

Based on my loose memory of the game, I could whip some stuff up for Mammon. But I would have to get a lot of sources backed up for key parts of the story or devilgrams to give me context to what I'd be writing. For Mammon, his would probably be the effects of merciless bullying, and how he tends to take it on the chin and pretend it doesn't bother him.

I think I've mentioned it in Asmo's analysis, but I don't believe for a second that all demons are evil, nor do I believe that fallen angels (which I will say over and over again, the brothers are FALLEN ANGELS- THERE IS A DIFFERENCE!) are evil. They are a medium, like humans, but have a clear bias to which side they will take, or how far they will indulge. I went in further detail about that specifically, here.

That being said, I do think Mammon is part of the glue that keeps the family together. The older brothers mostly fill that role well, with the exception of Leviathan who only seems to be part of the team when it suits him. Mammon, from my memory, is someone who cares deeply about the emotional state of everyone around him, whether he knows them well enough or not. By nature, he wants everything regardless of value, and so that expends to you early on, especially since you're a kind of human he may not have seen in centuries, probably.

I come from experience on things that Mammon deals with, as my older siblings would bully me a lot growing up, which resulted in my horrible self esteem. I tend to talk myself up a LOT, having a sense of grandiose about myself, to compensate for my loss of esteem. Something I can see in Mammon AND Asmo, though with Mammon he tends to lie and act like he doesn't care, when in reality he doesn't know how to shut that part of him down because it is his very virtue at birth. He is someone who is sensitive and cares too much, but because he has rarely seen gratitude extended to him, or the same level of sensitivity or gesture of thanks, he tries to dumb it down to feel like these things are fair.

Something I do, too. I'm not going to go into detail about it, but I've had a few people in the professional fields tell me that Mammon's character is very similar to mine; when I convinced them to give it a look anyways.

I think the amount of abuse Mammon takes can lead him in a few directions;

One is where he just accepts it because if they can't blow off steam, they're just going to explode, and he cares too much about their mental and emotional well-being to let that happen.

Another is where he finally snaps and says he's dealt with the same traumas as them (Beel and Belphie especially, as they were right there when Lilith was killed, and Mammon was the one to hold your dead body in ch.16) and deserves as much consideration and respect as the others.

The last is where he shuts down completely and blocks them out. In a fashion similar to Levi, really. I want more than anything for Mammon to just lay into his family- I want them all to lay into each other and be honest.

There's so much nuisance and complexity, especially in characters like Lucifer and Belphie, simply because they aren't transparent with each other. Even now, they fail to do so properly. You can't expect that from all of them, you can't expect that from human beings. But you could at least thing someday Mammon will drop the act and say something. Anything.

But alas, he's too busy chasing you. At least you care to balance the sensitivity and gratitude he subtly (not so subtly) extends to you. Right?

[thewickedmerman]

My Redesigns of The Specialists

Well, since I finished with the Winx Club girls and The Trix, I figured it was time to do my redesigns of The Specialists. However, not all of them are going to be just powerless fighters. I felt it would be more fun to make their team be made up of fighters, fairies, and sorcerers. Plus, they get to have their own transformations too. The fighters get transformations similar to the Power Rangers/superheroes (Because it makes no sense for there to be an emergency and they just rush off to change clothes, which is an INSANELY dangerous time waster), the fairies will have transformations similar to the Winx Club themselves, and the sorcerers will have transformations similar to the ones from Miraculous Ladybug (Honestly, I don't know what to think for the sorcerers). Why? Because it's so much more fun that way.

Sky

Well, I got the most BORING of the boys out of the way, so that's something. For his design I used Eric's body from The Little Mermaid, the face of Derek from The Swan Princess (Or at least from a specific poster), used his second hairstyle from the show because it suits him better and look less like a surfer dude, and I used the uniforms The Specialists get in the later seasons because it's BADASS. Plus, considering that Eraklyon is related to geology, it makes sense to have some armor that looks like stones. I did change the shade of blue to match his signature color, which is sky blue (I mean, it's in his name). He is the prince of Eraklyon and the son of a sorcerer and a fairy, but they still loved him despite that he had no magic. However, that made them even more protective of him since he was a child and there was a threat of him being kidnapped and held for ransom by Yoshinoya. So Sky's best friend/squire, Brandon (Who is a fairy and has magic to protect himself and Sky) was to switch places with Sky for public appearances and in school, so that no one would know who Sky really is. The only ones who knew the truth were the royal family, the castle staff, members of the royal court, and Diaspro & her parents (Who Sky was betrothed to since they were babies). Despite having no powers, Sky refused to be helpless and studied fighting hand-to-hand combat and weaponry. Sky is a boring character but could be good if put in the right hands. Give him flaws, have him held more accountable for his actions, none of the bullshit conflict that happens with him and Bloom from seasons 4-8.

Brandon

For his design, I used the face of Edward from Enchanted, the nose of Rameses from The Prince of Egypt, the eyes of Joseph from Joseph: King of Dreams, and the body of Bolin from The Legend of Korra. I've always questioned what race Brandon was supposed to be coded as because he seemed pretty ambiguous. Was he just white but with a tan? Was he Middle Eastern? Was he Filipino? Was he Hispanic or Latino? I saw someone say he was Middle Eastern and pointed out some areas in the Middle East where they have lighter tan complexions, dark brown hair, and similar features to him. So I thought for some representation, I would go with the Middle Eastern coded option. I made him a little darker than he was in the original show by giving him Flora's skin color from the original show (Since I gave her a darker skin-tone in my redesign of her), sharper eyes, and more Middle Eastern looking nose. I didn't want to use Aladdin's nose because the noses of Aladdin and Jasmine were a little too exaggerated the same way that the noses in Lilo and Stitch were too exaggerated (Polynesians don't have potato noses). I also wanted to show some body diversity by giving him a plus-sized body. NO, Bolin's body isn't fat but it's very much plus-sized. Brandon was a fat little boy growing up because he was just built differently. However, as he got older and started training, he bulked up. He's still plus-sized but is also muscular. You're probably wondering why I decided to make Brandon a fairy. I don't know but it just works. He is the fairy of geodes! I got that idea from Diaspro's fairy form and powers. They come from Eraklyon, so the magic in that world must be related to geology. So he's basically an Earthbender lol. But his powers are rooted on rocks, stones, gems, ect. so it's no wonder his body is so solid like a rock. I also modeled his wings after Diaspro's, which I noticed are solid instead of transparent like other fairy wings. I figured that must be part of the geology themed powers. As for his costume, I based it on one of the background fairies that were seen during the destruction of Bloom's home planet, Sparx. It just looked like it suited him. He and Sky have been friends since they were little and he is Sky's squire. He's the son of one of the palace guards. Since Sky was in danger of being abducted since he was a little kid, Brandon was made to pretend he was the prince for Sky's protection. Brandon's parents were dead against it, but the king demanded it. However, it was ultimately Brandon who decided to do it, even if his parents disapproved of putting their son in danger. You may ask, how would people believe that two white parents had a brown son? No idea! I guess they just said he was naturally tan lol.

Riven

For Riven's design, I gave him the face/head of Proteus from Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas, the body of Shang from Mulan, and the eyes of Gaston from Beauty and the Beast. For his outfit, I didn't want to just give him the same outfit as Sky but with a different color because I wanted more individuality. So I gave him the outfits that were worn by Nex and Thoren (Sky's cousin). They looked less heroic and epic as the outfit I gave Sky, which suits Riven's more roughish nature and how he hasn't had an easy life compared to Sky (More on that later). It also has a bit of a low-key bad boy vibe to it. I still stayed true to his signature color, magenta, while making sure it didn't clash with his magenta hair, and giving him some purple to match his eyes. And I just had to give him an angry look on his face because it's Riven, so of course. Riven is my absolute LEAST favorite of the specialists. Sky may be boring as hell but Riven is ANNOYING as hell. He's poorly written, has terrible development, is always an asshole for no reason, has no backstory to justify the way he is, doesn't really change, and his relationship with Musa is absolutely toxic. In my version, I give him a backstory and better character development. His backstory is that he was born to a father that was a sorcerer and a mother that was a fairy while he was born without the ability to perform magic, which was a MASSIVE disappointment to his parents. They neglected him, emotionally abused him, and on occasion physically. This makes his actions and attitude all the more understandable. He's a show off because of how he never really got attention growing up from his own parents and is trying to make up for it, as well as prove that he is capable of great things and isn't useless just because he doesn't have powers. He's angry and a hothead but has more of a secret gentle side that he sometimes shows, MUCH MORE than the original Riven, which helps make it more understandable why Musa would have a crush on him. His emotional baggage also made it easier for Darcy to manipulate him, even giving him some magic (But takes it away when she dumps him). His backstory also gives him a reason for why he lashes out at his fellow teammates. In my version, Brandon is a fairy and Timmy is a sorcerer, so they can perform magic while he can't. He especially resents Sky because of how he was also born with parents that could perform magic while he couldn't but was still given love and attention despite this. It made him VERY angry and jealous because of how Sky manage to have parents that adore him, despite being born unable to do magic, while Riven had neglectful and abusive parents because of his inability to perform magic.

Timmy

For his face/head I used some old concept design of Milo from Atlantis: The Lost Empire and the smile, eyes, and body of Aladdin. I went with Aladdin's body because of how Timmy wouldn't be as masculine as the others but wouldn't be lanky. Aladdin has some muscles on him but he's not super built. I also gave him freckles because it's just too perfect for him. His outfit was tricky because of how I had to find a way of making him look like a sorcerer but also incorporate it with technology to go with his powers because of how he is the Sorcerer of Technology. For his scepter, I went with Tecna's Mythix wand, with some adjustments. Redheads look surprisingly really good in the color yellow. I decided to make Timmy a sorcerer because of how I feel it suits his personality. He's not as action-oriented as the other guys but more intellectual, even though he still fights. Imagine how amazing he'd be with technology with magic. He'd excel! No, I don't have him being from Zenith like Tecna but from another technology planet, though one that isn't considered as high up as Zenith. So this makes him feel a little intimidated by Tecna, that and him having a MASSIVE crush on her. He always is trying to prove that he is capable and isn't just some weak nerd. Out of all of the specialists, he's one of my favorite, if not my number one favorite. He's just absolutely awesome with how much of a dork he is.

Helia

Helia was the one that I was looking the most forward to doing a redesign of because of how I made him a fairy. Out of all of the Specialists, he's the one that really benefits the best from being made a fairy, especially when I got to his Believix and Enchantix. He has more of a feminine personality while still proving he isn't a wuss but rather a badass, despite being a pacifist. This gives him layers and depth beyond just being a typical good looking hero. Plus, his hair is just AMAZING! I used the body of Mako from The Legend of Korra, the eyes and nose of Shang from Mulan, and the head/face of Little Creek from Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron. I also gave him Brandon's skin tone to make him look more brown instead of just a light Asian. His outfit is very feminine but also clearly meant for a man because of how it's kind of toga looking. But I did his toga in a way that looks more Asian inspired instead of Greek inspired. Plus, this look suits his chill and relaxed personality. I made his outfit salmon pink with some orange because those colors just look so good on him and just suit his character. I made him the fairy of art, the same way that Musa is the fairy of music. So he can make art literally come to life, turn things like paint into ropes, can control paper (Particularly when in an origami shape), create portals, can jump into paintings to hide, and you get the point. Basically, his powers are awesome!

Nabu

And now we've come to my favorite of The Specialists, Prince Nabu. First of all, I want to make VERY CLEAR that in my version, Nabu DOESN'T die! That was a bunch of BULL CRAP! I mean, he's introduced in season 3 and then close to the end of season 4 they kill him off? Not to mention that out of all the boys, they chose the darkest one, who was also the love interest of black woman! She ended up having to suffer more than any of the other girls because of this. Not to mention that in season 5 they tried to replace him with a brown (But much lighter) man with terrible blonde hair and a terribly bland and boring personality to match, Roy. Then when that didn't work, they did a dumb love triangle in season 6 where the white man that has a personality mixture of Riven and Brandon, Nex. Yeah, all of this is TOTALLY not racist! And that's coming from a white man. Also, I wanna also point out that Nabu is NOT black! He is Indian, so he is coded as South Asian. Now that we got my rant out of the way, for his design I used the face/head of Naveen from The Princess and the Frog, the body of Flynn Rider from Tangled (I wanted to use Naveen but there wasn't a base of him to use or a tasteful nude picture of him), and the eyes of Esmeralda from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I also chose to keep his super long single braid instead of the two shoulder blade length braids he had in season 4. Why? Because it just looks SO MUCH better and is more badass. Non-white men just look amazing with long hair. He is still a prince but he doesn't come from Layla's planet, Andros. Why? Because that planet is water themed and his powers aren't related to water. His powers are illusions and healing, so it only makes sense that he comes from another planet, especially when the rules of Andros are black while Nabu and his family are Indian. He and Layla are in an arranged marriage, which she refuses and their relationship still goes the same way it did in season 3. Except, I'm having them meet during my Sirenix story line because that season would be about Layla, due to it being water themed. He still went by a disguised name, Ophir before revealing his true identity once they fell in love. So I'm giving true respect to the Sorcerer of Healing and Illusions.

And now for Brandon and Helia's Believix!

Just like the girls, Brandon and Helia are getting Believix and Enchantix forms. For the Believix forms I took inspiration from @teawithlemonacid, who did some fanart of The Specialists as fairies. I did make some adjustments of my own but still did take inspiration from that artist, so credit where credit is due. As I said when I did the girls with their Believix, the way they earn their Believix is pretty much the same way they earned their Charmix in season 2. They have to believe in themselves and overcome a personal struggle. I also took liberties with the Believix aesthetic because of how I want the fairy looks to be more timeless rather than dated-looking.

Brandon's Believix

For Brandon's design, I gave him a new hairstyle because if the girls get new hairstyles for each new fairy form, so do the boys. I gave him Nex's hair, apart from those dumb looking sideburns. I embroidered some stoned onto his outfit because of how he's the fairy of geodes. Since I also decided to have his race be Middle Eastern, I decided to incorporate some of that into his look as well. I gave him some curled toed shoes and some Middle Eastern inspired accessories. That was hard because of how most Middle Eastern jewelry are women's jewelry. I gave him Tecna's Mythix wings because they just really suit him for some reason. As for how he earned his Believix, well he had to overcome some hidden resentment he had for Sky that was starting to show during a trust exercise. He resented that he had to put his life on the line for Sky ever since they were kids. That really effects a child when they are having their lives in danger in order to protect someone else. Yes, Brandon did agree to do it in order to protect his friend but he also knew that if he didn't do it that he and his parents would be in trouble with the King and Queen. Sky's parents didn't really show much concern for Brandon's safety and that caused more resentment because Sky didn't really say anything to his parents about their poor treatment of his friend. Sky could tell something was up and it was only when Brandon stopped bottling up his feelings that things started to get better. It was emotional and difficult but Brandon felt better when he finally let it all out. It was then that he earned his Believix.

Helia's Enchantix

homeworldHelia's Believix was A LOT of fun to do. I loved getting to have his hair loose because it looks amazing. I didn't make too many changes to the outfit I modeled this after. I love how the gold has a paint-like feel to it. It really adds to his powers being art based. I used Flora's prototype Bloomix wings for his Believix wings because they just seemed to suit him. I also had the magic coming from his hand looking even bigger and more powerful than it was during his Magic Winx form. The way he earns his Believix was different from how others earned their Believix. instead of mainly being an emotional struggle, it was also a physical struggle because he had to overcome his passive nature. He has a lot of power but he holds himself back because of an accident that happened when he was a kid. Because he didn't restrain himself, a friend of his got badly hurt. The friend lived but his parents wouldn't allow him to be friends with Helia anymore. After that, Helia kept to himself, chose not to be aggressive, and wouldn't live up to his true abilities because of that accident. His grandfather, Saladin (The headmaster at Red Fountain), has been trying to break him out of it and live up to his true potential. It was only when his friends, specifically Flora, were in danger that he finally overcame his passive nature and started using his full power. This caused him to earn his Believix.

And finally for Helia and Brandon's Enchantix

We have come to Helia and Brandon's final transformations, Enchantix. Just like the girls, they must earn theirs by saving someone from their homeworld by making a big sacrifice. The boys were hard to do, due to how there wasn't really anything for me to go off of. However, I think I managed to do a pretty good job. I also wanted to have them be in revealing outfits just like the girls. I mean, fair is fair, after all. Let me know what you think.

Helia's Enchantix

For Helia, I wanted to do something that had an Asian influence to it that also showed his art powers being influenced. I gave him something that was very flowing to go with his sensitive and feminine personality while also having a rainbow theme to go with his powers. I didn't use the colors of the rainbow because I didn't want him to just look like a Pride themed look, which ended up looking awkward and busy when I first attempted it. So I limited the colors to the ones in his wings to make it look better. I still wanted to include his two main colors, salmon pink and gold while still making the rainbow colors pop. I went with a very Asian inspired hairstyle, which actually shows both of his eyes. The eye that is usually covered is actually blind, which goes with the childhood backstory I gave him that helped him earn his Believix, which will also play a part in earning his Enchantix, which I will get to in a little bit. I felt it would show him embracing himself while also showing the Asian culture. I took some liberties with the jewelry because of how most jewelry is meant for women, which is why most male looks are boring. I tried to butch up his shoes to make them look less girly and making the gems resemble a paintbrush. For his wings, I used Stella's Mythix wings because they look like a rainbow, which really suits Helia. I made his powers in his hand the biggest and strongest they've looked out of all his fairy forms. As for how he earns his Enchantix, I had him save his old childhood friend, who Helia had accidentally caused to become permanently blind because of his powers, which also caused Helia to become blind in his right eye. He had seen him but was avoiding him because of his guilt, despite his old friend trying to reach out to him during this time. He saves his old friend from an avalanche that was caused by The Trix, specifically Stormy. Helia not only almost died but his wings were crushed, so he wouldn't be able to fly. He said that he lost his friend once because of something he did and wasn't going to lose his friend again when he could do something about it. However, it was due to this sacrifice that he was able to earn his Enchantix and gain a new and MUCH stronger pair of wings. Not only that, but he had his old friend back after all this time. Helia apologized for what he did to his friend when they were kids, but his friend forgave him and said he missed Helia.

Brandon's Enchantix

Brandon's Enchantix was even more difficult than Helia's because of how Brandon's not as feminine as Helia. I took some inspiration from Tynix because of how Brandon's powers are related to geodes. I made his vest and best/waist thing look like diamonds. I even incorporated gems into his sash. I took major liberties with jewelry because Middle Eastern (Which is the race I decided Brandon is) jewelry is very limited in jewelry for men, at least from the google search I did. I love the one sleeve look I gave him with his emerald vest/armor. I even gave him some gems on the bottom of his pants. I gave him very Aladdin looking pants, only without the crotch being so low lol. I gave him the hairstyle of the character Thoren from Winx Club and Stella's Tynix wings. The way he earns his Enchantix was by saving Sky from being eaten by one of Valtor's minions, causing Brandon to be eaten instead. This cause Brandon to earn his Enchantix and his powers were enhanced to where he could destroy the creature from the inside. This earned him not only his Enchantix, but also finally getting respect from Sky's parents, who, AT LAST, apologize for how they treated him. Yeah, this is simple but you get the point.

ENJOY!

Credit for the character bases goes to SelenaEde, Credit for the backgrounds goes to SparxGuardian, credit for Helia's Believix wings goes to darkfairyofmadness, and credit for the Enchantix wings and Brandon's Believix wings goes to AstralBlu. All of whom are on DeviantArt.

[gay-jesus-probably]

love watching these transphobes in your askbox expose themselves as believing that bigotry is only Actually bad if it's against people they deem to be Oppressed Enough not to deserve to be mocked. like they're being so transparent that they don't actually care about transphobia as an issue or think that transphobia is bad, they care about whether they can get away with being transphobic while still looking progressive by slapping the word "white" on it. if they were actually progressive they wouldn't be looking for excuses to be transphobic in the first place ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Right? And I've noticed some non-white enby people jumping in to point out that enby people choosing noun names is a pretty universal phenomenon regardless of race, so making fun of them as a concept is pretty shitty. And like. There's already a shitty stereotype that being queer is just a white people thing, especially when it comes to being transgender and/or nonbinary, so specifying that you're only mocking white enby people just comes across as an implication that being nonbinary is just a white person thing. Especially since Team Transphobia is focusing on me and has assumed I'm white, while mostly ignoring the open POC enbies that are pointing out that claiming you're only mocking white nonbinary people doesn't make it less transphobic, and does still affect enby people who aren't white.

I've been chatting with some friends on a discord server about it, and one of them's pointed out how similar this is to the alarming trend of people making horribly sexist jokes, and then clarifying that they're only making fun of white women. Or saying disgustingly homophobic things, but it's okay because they're only insulting white gay people. Or mocking autistic people for being freaks, but don't worry it's just the white autistic people.

Yes, white privilege is very much a thing, and white people benefit from it all their lives. But that doesn't mean you can insult any marginalized community you want and avoid doing harm just by clarifying you're only attacking the white members of that community. But the people doing this shit don't care, because they're not actually worried about making sure that POC are safe and happy, they just want to make fun of marginalized groups and know that claiming they're just making fun of the white people in those groups is a good shield from criticism. Because when people start pointing out that they're being a prick, they can just fall back on the shield of 'sensitive white people can't take a jooooke'. Even when that's not the point, and has never been the point.

And you can see that in what's been happening here with me! Several POC have chimed in agreeing that the joke was kind of transphobic and the response has been extremely transphobic, but you'll notice they're being mostly ignored, because they don't fit the narrative. The shitheads vomiting into my inbox need to pretend they're just going after an overly sensitive white person, or their fake-woke disguise stops working. And you can tell, because the response to those people so far has just been completely dropping the race angle, assuming they have a noun name, and making fun of them for it. Because noun names are an acceptable target, so that's the way to discredit those people.

Meanwhile, despite the wide range of bigotry I've been getting, I can't help but notice that none of them have felt the need to point out that I don't actually have a noun name - I like my given name just fine IRL, and I'm using a pretty standard pseudonym here online. So nobody's attacked me for my name yet, just my gender, sexuality, romantic orienation, age, and race. And they're all pretending that my complaint about the '''joke'''' was just me being mad about the white part. Everyone has conveniently forgotten that my original point was just that making fun of trans people for choosing a name you think is weird is a shitty thing to do, and specifying you're insulting white trans people doesn't make it less transphobic. And the response has been massive amounts of violent transphobia.

It reminds me of how radfems will spew a bunch of racist, ableist, homophobic garbage, and then cover their asses by saying they're just talking about men. Because as we all know, if someone is privileged in one aspect of their identity, they're completely immune to any bigotry they might face for the rest of their identity. Gay men can't be hurt by homophobia, they've got male privilege! A cishet person in a wheelchair can't be hurt by ableism, they've got straight privilege! And white trans people can't be hurt by transphobia, they've got white privilege!

Except that's not how it works, and we all fucking know that already. Yes, having privilege in some areas will make it easier for you to get by despite being a minority in other areas. A white trans person has more social privilege than a black trans person. But aiming bigotry specifically at the privileged members of an opressed community is still going to hurt everyone in that community. And I hate to break it to you all, but when you attack the trans community, even if you claim you're just going after trans white people, at the end of the day trans POC are the ones who are suffer the most from it.

[ganymedesclock]

Your meta is singlehandedly responsible for all my opinions and characterization of Shiro tbh and I kinda just realized something. Tell me if I'm wrong but I get the feeling what you're trying to say about after-s2 Shiro is just: This is Shiro, except now all his stressors are Worse.

I mean, Shiro’s not the same person he was in the first two seasons just as much as none of the other paladins are the same person they were in the first two seasons, but, I definitely think Shiro since then has built on what was established as his essential character that’s growing and changing.

Part of it is he’s under a lot more pressure. Part of it is, when Shiro first came to the position in s1 he basically took all of his trauma and survivalism and tried to stuff it back into the mold of the Garrison’s Golden Boy. And ironically, I think it’s s1 Shiro who’s a lot more callous- look through the early episodes and see how many times Shiro interrupts, corrects, shoves or silences Lance in particular.

He’s determined to make a good impression early on, and, frankly, Shiro’s first impression of Lance is not favorable- he seems to regard him as just fooling around when the paladins need to be serious, they need to commit to this. 

He’s also the one to chew out Keith for demanding Pidge can’t leave and was about to make, frankly, a very bad decision by letting Pidge wander off alone into the universe without even questioning how even a very resourceful and clever fifteen year old intends to survive in a hostile spacefaring empire they know almost nothing about. And it’s pretty clear, I think, rather than fair judgment, Shiro’s letting his personal sense of guilt, believing he failed the Holts, rule in this context. 

Yes, people shouldn’t be shackled to paladin duty, but given Pidge’s custom jet booster had a good chance of making the pod explode (and by good, seemingly as high as 50% since it was used twice and the second time it detonated) on top of everything else, it’s clear if she’d gone off alone the way she meant to, she would have died.

Shiro in s1 is trying to be a perfect leader for everyone and frankly, who he’s become since then is better. It stands that he’s come a long way that Hunk, Lance, and Shiro himself all agree it’s unlike him to snap at people and bark orders.

At a glance, Shiro might seem as if he’s doing worse, but to me, I think it’s an incredibly heartening sign that Shiro’s character development appears to be an exercise in learning to ask for help.

Because while Shiro’s not a tyrant of a leader the way Zarkon leaned alarmingly close to in s3e7 on multiple occasions- it stands that Shiro, too, especially early on, suffered from that disconnect. He kept his own problems incredibly close to his chest. It’s obvious that he desperately latched onto being Black Paladin as a way to cope- as a way to redefine himself by something other than what had just happened to him.

Shiro in s1 is a tight-coiled spring. He’s uptight, he argues with Lance over the littlest things, in s1e1 on two separate occasions he breaks up arguments just by yelling for them to stop or “Stow it, cadets!”

Shiro’s growth as a character involves climbing off the pedestal he was sitting on at the beginning of the show. And he’s not the only one who was enforcing it, either- Lance flat-out says Shiro was his personal hero. 

In the comics, Pidge can’t conceive the idea of defeating Shiro at all even though he’s really not that much a better fighter than the other paladins- before she gets her head in gear and is able to knock him out, she just reflexively looks to him as an invincible paragon which is a pretty big cognitive slip in an issue all about Pidge’s ability to gather and keep data.

In s3e1, none of the team can really see themselves conceptualizing Shiro and a lot of their overtures seem to suggest, more than none of them are suited to the Black Lion like Shiro is (fair!) that... not a lot of them really understand what Shiro was doing. Even Keith, the closest to Shiro, leads as a Red Paladin. He says he can’t do this like Shiro can but he never seems to clarify what that entails.

What I personally think began in earnest in s3, though there were small things building towards it all along, is the systematic demystification of Shiro as the perfect leader, as the team’s paragon.

There’s kind of a point that, as Zarkon’s specific counterpart, enemy, and successor, Shiro is going to be called upon to succeed where Zarkon failed.

And Zarkon’s failure, what led to his death and downfall as a paladin, was twofold: he failed to listen to his team when they had valid points, and he kept all of his personal suffering privately away from them.

Zarkon gambles everything to rescue Honerva in s3e7, and it goes disastrously because he lies to his team the entire way leaving them completely unprepared- so when he ends up outside of his Lion and faced with a devastatingly powerful opponent, he’s surrounded and killed while the rest of the team is not in a position to do anything to help him.

Shiro in s1e11 leads the team in an equally desperate gamble to rescue Allura, and it works out. It works out because Shiro has the team’s consent beforehand, and even people who disagree (Keith) still consent to go. So when Shiro ends up outside his Lion and faced with a devastatingly powerful opponent on two fronts, it’s not his personal skill as a fighter that keeps him alive.

It’s Keith going toe to toe with Zarkon to buy Shiro time to get back to the Black Lion.

It’s Lance, Pidge, and Coran holding off the majority of the empire’s forces.

It’s Hunk smashing in to break Allura out, and it’s her and him together that come to save Shiro’s bacon from Haggar who had already seriously injured him and could easily have killed him in that moment.

It’s pretty obvious that Shiro being honest and transparent with his team is what’s keeping him from getting killed. They’re his saving grace, time and time again, Keith especially- which is a big deal, when Keith is Alfor’s successor, and while Zarkon broke with the entire team, it was his refusal to listen to Alfor that was the nail in his coffin.

And in s5e3 and s5e6, what’s steadily moving into position to save his bacon from Kuron? It’s not just Lance being the team’s interpersonal Heart as usual- but rather, that Shiro is finally, decisively, opening up and connecting to the person he’s been at odds with from the start. 

And while a lot of people take that as a “boo hoo, poor Lance”... it’s really more to Shiro’s detriment than Lance’s. After Shiro and Lance argue, Lance is the one who has multiple people verbally taking his side (Hunk, twice, and Allura personally talking to him about it with her concerns, and Shiro himself apologizing)- while Shiro clearly is falling back on bad habits and withdrawing from the team about his issues.

Because Shiro, in a very catlike manner, starts avoiding people when he’s feeling awful. Which is why I think it’s such an unsung glorious moment when in s5e6, when Lance hasn’t even brought it up again or prompted it- Shiro is the one to bring it up and basically tell Lance to keep looking into this because something’s really wrong.

S5e6 is a glorious day for Shiro’s character because, some time before the car has set on fire, Shiro’s actually rolling down the window and telling someone “hey, the door’s locked and I don’t know where this thing is going, and this is kind of a problem. Can you... get help, please, I’m terrified”

So in that sense, much as I purport to be take it or leave it about clone theory, that’s why I really hope this is the original Shiro at hand... because everything he’s learning here is incredibly good and important for his long term emotional health and I’m pretty sure what we’re gonna get out of Kuron is a strong positive emotional arc for Shiro and Lance. 

Shiro’s moving away from being the team’s perfect leader, but that’s nothing to mourn, because instead of a perfect leader he’s becoming an honest, emotionally healthy person who knows he can actually trust his team. And my multiple posts talking about how Shiro really wasn’t that perfect once you take the rose-tinted glasses off isn’t dunking on him or calling him lame-

it’s pointing out that he really wasn’t doing anybody a favor by pretending to be ideal leader. In s1e9 he had a full-tilt panic attack and immediately jumped into realizing Allura was still in danger and they had to act fast to prevent them all from being destroyed- which is fine, except the part where... he didn’t unpack or process any of that afterwards.

Sendak dug up a huge volume of Shiro’s insecurities, trauma, and frankly fear of himself, of the idea of being irreconcilably changed by what the empire did to him. This is a big problem. The implication is on some level Shiro is genuinely not comfortable in his own skin and that... wasn’t the only allusion to it. 

S4e4 is basically a whole exercise in the paladins and how they relate to image (and how they really don’t) and with Shiro, the main thing Worm!Coran focuses on is Shiro’s body.

Shiro’s body, that, seemingly, he prefers to keep covered as much as possible given even though he prefers pretty close-fitting attire, he’s also pretty consistently one of the most modestly dressed of the paladins. That, as mentioned, Sendak was able to maliciously play on the fact that Shiro has some lingering anxieties of what was done to it, and that pervades his flashbacks and reactions to his missing year- the repeated implications of medical torture emphasized less by pain (sedatives are frequently shown) and more that things were done to him, that he doesn’t know the extent of, and he was powerless to stop.

And Shiro- perfectionist, anxious about how people see him (s1e6 for example), with these very serious insecurities about bodily autonomy and the aftermath that he’s been living with...

(he has a large facial scar, lost color in part of his hair, and is missing an arm, to say nothing of any other scars he might have that we as an audience haven’t seen, and, personally, his body type to me suggests that he lost weight in prison and his super-defined musculature is less about athletics and more a lack of proper subcutaneous fat)

...has Worm Coran repeatedly telling him to show off his body. The relatively innocuous (before Coran gets brain-wormed) start of it all even has the script make a joke about how Shiro only has one hand, that he gives a “really?” aside look at.

I can’t help but feel like the implication there, when all of the other prompts poke at existing insecurities- 

Allura feeling like she’s just an ineffective replacement for the person no longer with the team when she was one of the loudest unhappy voices about him drifting away, Hunk being relegated to his gastrointestinal problems and his genuine quick wit and keen sense of humor ignored, Pidge being ignored because “nobody cares what you’re saying anyway!”, and Lance the actor basically spending the entire time indulging the fake, flashy casanova persona he uses to cover all of his own insecurities

-that there’s something significant that, again, all of s4e4 for Shiro is talking about his body, especially his muscles, which is seemingly another change after the missing year- he doesn’t seem nearly that built in the Garrison pictures, though it could be that he’s just wearing more modest clothing, it’s still very suspicious especially when Haggar’s endeavor was to turn Shiro into her personal fighting machine.

Shiro’s got a huge amount of things that have been quietly eating him from the start, and the good news is, they’re actually starting to bubble to the surface- he’s actually breaking down and talking about them with less and less impetus, which is important, because back in s2e7, Shiro made it clear that his connection with Black, that any ideal connection, needs to be rooted in trust. And while he’s heavily spun that as, he needs to be trustworthy to others...

If Shiro never talks to the team about his problems, no matter how he might spin that as not wanting to burden them or that he’s able to deal with it on his own, he’s not trusting them.

And again, that Lance is seemingly the catalyst for this is amazing to me, because Lance?

Lance is the trust guy. Lance is the feelings guy. Lance is the uncrowned king of literally every thing Shiro has been struggling with the absence of here.

Lance is both the guy who genuinely gets in Shiro’s face when he feels like Shiro isn’t listening to him, but he’s also the guy talking about how Keith needs to trust the Black Lion because Black wouldn’t ask him to do this for no reason (when Black is Shiro’s Lion, and Keith draws many obvious explicit parallels between Shiro’s requesting him to fly Black and Black taking Keith as their replacement paladin).

Lance is the one who tells Allura that Shiro is ultimately not their enemy, that they’re on the same side, and who’s vindicated when Shiro is now clearly working with Lance against Haggar, telling him that something’s wrong and that he doesn’t feel right, hasn’t felt right for a while, which is the last thing Haggar wants Shiro to do.

Lance trusts Shiro, but not blindly. He’s compassionate, but not to the point of self-neglect. He is exactly the head that Shiro needs on his team right now. And that experience is gonna mean a hell of a lot to Lance, as well.